STRONG PERSONAL EMOTIONS I HAVE TO GET OUT OF ME…

I need to get this out maybe somehow this will help ease the annoying painful stabbing I feel in my chest every time I breath! There are people so much worse off in this world than me people who have more reason to be annoyed with there life’s and bitch! Anyhow … I’m sad yes I’ve realised that’s why I’ve been acting strange. Not jealousy no I thought about that but it’s not that its sadness. It’s the face that my in laws seem to always manage to cause me pain and upset and make it out like its because I’m some stupid has been that doesn’t deserve to be with Damian or Joshua! All they ever did was tell me not to have my son! Said I would ruin my life and Damian’s! Damian was optimistic about the whole thing worried and confused. I didn’t blame him for that, half the time he discussed abortions with me al I could hear was his mom and dad speaking through him. He was too afraid to turn around to them and say look I night want this actually!

The moments I’ve thought about most in my mind have been…

-         How sad I felt when I found out I was pregnant due to the fact I was all alone in a toilet cubicle in town and frightened.

-         The fact when I told Damian he stood as still as a stone statue when I hugged him he was cold.

-         All his mom and dad did was keep trying to convince me to have an abortion.

-         Mom telling me to keep it and that she knew I was being bullied into giving it up.

-         How leaving Damian and keeping the baby meant that I could have ended up a single mom.

-         Damian’s anger and his coldness when we went for the baby’s first scan.

-         Then how there whole attitude changed when I came back and gave birth to Joshua.

-         How my way of being a mom was never right in his moms eyes.

-         Being accused of being lazy.

-         Being overruled about how my won home would look!

-         Having Damian be too afraid to stick up for me with his parents.

-         My betrayal to Damian (don’t ask it was and it wasn’t my fault but even that’s too personal for on here).

-         His family turning Damian against me.

-         Being alone…

-         Damian and Joshua going away to Spain without me. A family trip with me missing, and they will have what they wanted all along me out of the picture and just the two boys they worship and one of them is my heart soul he is a big part of me and without him I feel lost and confused he is my everything the beat of my heart the tears in my eyes, the laugh in my voice, the peace in my sleep, the warmth in my body, the smile on my face, the spring in my step the love in my heart. He’s my son and I am so so afraid to let him go because I fear if ill get him back. I have had him by my side since the day he was born and now he is being taken away and I don’t care about having a break I don’t care if he drives me crazy or makes me cry in anger and confusion or if he is naughty I love him!

I’m in bits now I am and I need to calm down! You get the basic gist of it.

Night everyone xxx

A Midnight Moment...

I think too much as the evening comes, especially when I start to feel the dark cover my eyes, it’s funny actually to describe it as that but its like... I can see but there’s a dark sheen over my eyes and it’s less clear. Well I’ve had the strangest day today. It’s been almost like I have been another person, like some one had taken over me. I think I’m mostly worried about Josh going to Spain with his dad. That’s what I keep telling myself but I’m really not that sure? I’m just upset I think in a lot of ways too that I’m not going on holiday with my family. I feel that I should be then I feel like I’m being very selfish when I think that. It’s all silly really and I think maybe I am just thinking about myself too much. I should be thinking how great this will be for my boys to get some father son bonding time. Something else I have been thinking about is an old friend that was lost to me but never ever forgotten. Suddenly they are back in my life again and it feels god to be able to talk to them and my heart grows happy to they are well and comfortable in life and that they want to speak to me. But then I grow scared that they will change there mind and tell me to stop talking and leave alone. If that happens it would break me so much.

I’m annoyed and emotionally exhausted with friends lately. All that I seem to have is bother after bother after bother with some of them. Lately it has been with one of my close friends. He knows who he is and maybe he will be angry to see this on my space but I’m not giving names I’m mealy saying that I’m not happy and I know if they read this they will know who they are! He has emotionally hurt me in a way I thought a friend couldn’t possibly do! Posing on my space writing nasty comments anonymously on my space which he knew I was trying to make something special and for what reason I ask you? I’m not entirely sure of the reason I know only this that it was a waste of his time and all he did was scare me, upset me, and make me loose respect for him! That’s all I’m saying on that subject!

Other thoughts in my half sleepy state would be the love of my partner and how much I respect him and how much I grow closer to him everyday. Despite recent issues we had with each other over the New Year we have come through together. It’s been like waking through a desert seeing mirage after mirage of a sign of the pain ending and finaly the mirage has become a reality. We drew up a plan of action for our back garden. To say we live in a maisonette flat we have a HUGE garden and it’s been a long and tiring job for us! I’m enjoying time spent together in there because unlike the flat when we decorated I can do this with him and it’s all us! It’s all what we want not what other people decide for us! So we went to Melbricks this HUGE garden centre and we picked out ideas for plants and for a feature. We decided not to mess about planting things in case we move so we’re gonna get lots of planning tubs instead so we can take the stuff with us! It’s gonna be fun! Erm I’m just so tired now and I really want to sleep but I just remembered that I have o fill in an application form! So I’m gonna go do that then get some sleep before I pass out!